♀~*BiTtEr SwEeT*~♀

Everything began with just 'applying for the sake of applying' and 'trying for the sake of trying' and now look what I got myself into? I've been crying for days and I've been trying to look on the brightside-- Trying to think POSITIVE'. Trust me, I've kept trying but nothing is making me feel any better. I never knew how hard it was to actually choose the path you want to walk on. Maybe it's just hard for me. I'm too soft and I can't defend my own rights. So, I have other people like my parents decide where I'm going to go and what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

You see, I don't have an option. I wasn't really given one. I know exactly what my parents are thinking too. Why let your daughter persue her dreams and have to pay for it when you can make her do something she's not even interested in that's going to be government funded? You see what I mean? There's really nothing I can do about it. People keep telling me that's not the only option I have and that  there's a way to sort all this out. Well, excuse me but this is a fullstop thing. There's no arguments in this situation. Trust me, I've cried in front of my mum and she knows exactly how I feel about this whole thing. Yet, she still wants me to go ahead with it. I don't blame her. We don't have the money to let me study what I want. So, yea I guess that's just it. Besides, scholarships like these don't come around everyday. I haven't actually gotten it yet but it's a big possibility that I have. Hell, my parents even cancelled my Aussie trip because they really think that I can actually get it. So there you go!

They say it's not going to be the end of my dreams and there are ways to branch out LATER ON in the profession. My mum told me, 'I just hope it will go by very fast for you' and that confirms that I really don't have a choice but to go ahead with it. I feel like I'm forced to marry someone I don't even love. Yea, that's exactly how I feel about this whole situation...

I've made it clear to my parents a long time ago, 'I don't want to be a teacher'. My words weren't taken seriously. They told me to go on and just try and apply for it. I got the first one I applied for. If I got the second one (which they think I could get) then I'll go with the second one which is sponsored by the government.

If I get bloody accepted for the second application then the government is going to post me only hell knows where. There are five possible states which does not include Sabah. Isn't that just awesome?! I get to be posted ANYWHERE in Malaysia and I just have to accept where they're going to put me! Oh, joy!

Maybe teaching isn't so bad. Well, of course it's not! But how can you expect to be interested in something you're not? I know that being a teacher is an honorable profession and all that but you have to be thriving with passion for it to actually want to do it. During the interview, I know I did my best and maybe even better than I'd expect to do but still, I had to lie and tell the panel that I WANT TO TEACH! Plus, I had to talk a lot of crap to convince them that I actually really wanted it--Badly.

My parents know EXACTLY how I feel-- How long do they expect me to feel this way? For the first time in my entire life I know EXACTLY WHAT I WANT-- And for the first time in my life I, couldn't get what I really want in the end. So, it's no use. Being an indecisive person doesn't make a difference at all so maybe I was better off just being indecisive and letting people decide everything for me-- Hurts less than what I'm feeling now.

I've got nothing more to say. Just that they are people out there who want this more than I do and I think those who really want it should be given the chance. There's really nothing more to say...