♀~*BiTtEr SwEeT*~♀

Oh, great... 2 more days to go and I'm outta here! UGHHHHH! The thought of it is giving me mixed feelings. I'm excited in a way because I get to stay with elaine there, see my relatives, eat aunty Pat's cooking during certain occasions, live and breathe KL life, ETC. (Let's not go to the H1NI virus topic, shall we?) HOWEVER, I'm also scared out of my mind about starting life in university!! I need to relax. I know I'll be fine there and I'm pretty sure I'll adapt to the place in time. *sigh*

I'm so sad about leaving too. My heart is tearing up. A friend of mine had to discover that I was leaving through reading my blog and I guess it's her luck that she keeps up with my posts. She was really upset. (I'm sorry, I thought you already knew!!!) I somehow thought that she already knew that I was leaving but I guess I was wrong. I actually told another friend of mine about it and I told her to tell the others. I guess it must have slipped her mind... 

I've packed most of my things already. *sigh* I haven't done ANY shopping for my stay in KL yet because I don't want to be carrying any heavy load when I go there. So, Elaine and I will do some shopping when I get there. I JUST HOPE WE HAVE THE TIME because registration starts on the third day from the day I arrive. I'm sure we'll be rushing but Elaine assured me that there is a lot of time. Well, if she says so.

I'm finally over the whole Australia trip now. I guess that's just my luck. Dad finally cancelled my ticket. He had to pay a penalty fee in USD for it too. It's just too bad Aunty Chris/Uncle Eddy/Dad got the tickets the same time that my lecturing is going on. Aunty Chris, Uncle Eddy, mum, dad and Lisa will go without me. *sigh* I was looking forward to the insane coldness in Adelaide, seeing my cousins there, visiting new places, ETC. Oh well... I'll get a chance to go on a holiday overseas next time...

I hope when I startmy studies I would still have time to update my blog. It would help if I had my own personal notebook...

Until next time...

Sorry I haven't been updating. I had the time but I really wasn't in the mood to blog about anything. I didn't really have anything exciting to blog about so...

Well, I've got NEWS. I'll be flying off to KL this Thursday to start a whole new life. UiTM accepted me and my first thought was actually, "NO! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! I DON"T WANT TO GO THERE!"
Haha... In the end I got over the whole drama and decided to go on with it and just accept the offer. I feel blessed to have gotten in UiTM even though it's not my ideal university and the course isn't my first choice to take up. So yea... I'll be taking up TESL in UiTM...

I don't think it would be so bad going there to study and all. I did at first because the life style there is so in contrast to the lifestyle here! It's so easy going back home! Even the city here is nothing compared to the hecticness of KL! OH GOSH~ Oh well, I think I will get used to it-I hope. It's also a comfort to know that my big sister Elaine is going to be there and I have some relatives staying there too. Thank God I don't have to stay in the campus. Well, except during orientaion which is A MUST! It's just a week or so-- SO no biggie. I egt to live with my sister in her apartment but she planning on moving out and getting a bigger place which is 'WOW'~ I'm a little worried+scared+nervous+EXCITED!!!

But I'm also sooooooooo SAD!!! I'm going to miss home! I can't even explain the extent of my sorrow... The people, the places, the lifestyle, the food, ETC!  I'm so going to miss everyone back home especially my family and friends here. Wish I was more prepared to leave so it wouldn't be so hard but either way, the hollowness I'm going to feel for leaving everyone and everything behind isn't avoidable. I just wish I had more time before I go!!

I'm glad I got to meet up with some friends yesterday for lunch. It was the last time we could see each other again in a long time. Boy, did they freak out when I told them I was leaving. Can't blame hem because I only gave them a weeks notice so they were all really taken by surprise. Everyone's got their own thing to do now, their own seperate ways to go, their own dreams to achieve. Some of my friends have gone for matriculation. Some have gone for form 6 and some are working. Others are still trying to find their way and there a are also those who will be flying off like me. *sigh* Too bad some friends couldn't make it yesterday. I don't have the time to go out again this week to meet up with anyone of them because I still have a lot to organize and prepare before I leave. I just hope we'll keep staying in touch...

So~ I've got 3 days to go now!!! I've never been on the plane or took a flight alone so I'm being a little paranoid about it... XD I really have to get used to getting by on my own... *sigh*

I'm going to miss you, KK! Thanks for all the awesome KK memories... (I'm behaving as if I'm not comin back ;P) And to all you beautiful people of KK. You know who you are. I'm going to miss you guys OH SO MUCH THAT IT MIGHT ACTUALLY KILL ME!!! Hope to see all of you again... I just booked a flight o come back on the 25th of JULY so I'll see most of you guys then~~

XOXO
Erica.

I’m sure that was kind ofan unnecessary outburst in my last blog post. Call it overreacting if you please because I guess it was. I suppose I was just caught in the moment of being angry and depressed all together, I just couldn’t find it possible to hold anything back. I’m so very sorry for that.

 It’s actually been a while since I felt as calmas I am now. All the while I’ve been having conflicts with myself and otherpeople that I just lost all self control. Anyway, I’m okay now but still on theway to recovery. I still tend to cry time after time.

Things went out of control most probably because I was always stuck home and never stepped out of the house. There were so many times in the past where I wanted to just go out and hang out with my friends but there’s always something getting in the way of it. I blame myself for that because I never really made an effort to get out. So yea, I made myself stay home until I just cracked. I have no one else to blame besides myself.

I finally made amends with Amy after what seemed like a week. Sometimes I can really get angry at her but it’s a comfort to know that she’ll be there for me when I feel as if I’m all alone. Like last night, I almost made myself stay home again when she wanted to bring me out. She told me I really needed it. I really needed to get out andrelease my stress. I told her I didn’t feel like it but she forced me to and Ithought I’d just go for the sake of pleasing her. I didn’t know that going outwith her would actually make any difference. To my surprise, it did.

For the past few days, I’ve been cooped up in my room, just crying. I will purposely cry myself to sleep so often in a day as a way for me to get away from my problems. I find it as a source of my only comfort since I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it and because talking about it would only make me more upset. So, I went into silent mode for a couple of days. I avoided any kind of contact with the people around the house. I’d only speak when I have to which I avoided all together so I merely give people a nod or a shake of my head as a respond. It was that serious.

Amy, along with her two best friends, Sai and Gracy and not forgetting Leona, an old friend, had really made my day. What appeared to be like ages, I was finally smiling and laughing again. I was talking again too! So, it’s actually thanks to them that I feel a hell lot better now. Amy, Sai and Gracy even gave me a few pointers in decidingwhat I want to do with my life. Though it wasn’t much, they did help me morethan I could ever help myself and that’s the truth. Anyway, I had a lot of fun after so long too. I’m really grateful for all their presence last night.

Last night, I’ve finally met Leona’s new boyfriend too. He seems like a nice person. Didn’t really have a conversation with him but he seems like the good thing that Leona needs now. I don’t know him but I have a feeling he’s like a cure or antidote for her. I’m sure he’s a good guy and the kind of guy that Leona really deserves. She does deserve better and I’m glad she made the effort to open up and give this new guy a chance. She seems happy too so I guess that’s a good sign.

That's it for this post. Until next time...

Everything began with just 'applying for the sake of applying' and 'trying for the sake of trying' and now look what I got myself into? I've been crying for days and I've been trying to look on the brightside-- Trying to think POSITIVE'. Trust me, I've kept trying but nothing is making me feel any better. I never knew how hard it was to actually choose the path you want to walk on. Maybe it's just hard for me. I'm too soft and I can't defend my own rights. So, I have other people like my parents decide where I'm going to go and what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

You see, I don't have an option. I wasn't really given one. I know exactly what my parents are thinking too. Why let your daughter persue her dreams and have to pay for it when you can make her do something she's not even interested in that's going to be government funded? You see what I mean? There's really nothing I can do about it. People keep telling me that's not the only option I have and that  there's a way to sort all this out. Well, excuse me but this is a fullstop thing. There's no arguments in this situation. Trust me, I've cried in front of my mum and she knows exactly how I feel about this whole thing. Yet, she still wants me to go ahead with it. I don't blame her. We don't have the money to let me study what I want. So, yea I guess that's just it. Besides, scholarships like these don't come around everyday. I haven't actually gotten it yet but it's a big possibility that I have. Hell, my parents even cancelled my Aussie trip because they really think that I can actually get it. So there you go!

They say it's not going to be the end of my dreams and there are ways to branch out LATER ON in the profession. My mum told me, 'I just hope it will go by very fast for you' and that confirms that I really don't have a choice but to go ahead with it. I feel like I'm forced to marry someone I don't even love. Yea, that's exactly how I feel about this whole situation...

I've made it clear to my parents a long time ago, 'I don't want to be a teacher'. My words weren't taken seriously. They told me to go on and just try and apply for it. I got the first one I applied for. If I got the second one (which they think I could get) then I'll go with the second one which is sponsored by the government.

If I get bloody accepted for the second application then the government is going to post me only hell knows where. There are five possible states which does not include Sabah. Isn't that just awesome?! I get to be posted ANYWHERE in Malaysia and I just have to accept where they're going to put me! Oh, joy!

Maybe teaching isn't so bad. Well, of course it's not! But how can you expect to be interested in something you're not? I know that being a teacher is an honorable profession and all that but you have to be thriving with passion for it to actually want to do it. During the interview, I know I did my best and maybe even better than I'd expect to do but still, I had to lie and tell the panel that I WANT TO TEACH! Plus, I had to talk a lot of crap to convince them that I actually really wanted it--Badly.

My parents know EXACTLY how I feel-- How long do they expect me to feel this way? For the first time in my entire life I know EXACTLY WHAT I WANT-- And for the first time in my life I, couldn't get what I really want in the end. So, it's no use. Being an indecisive person doesn't make a difference at all so maybe I was better off just being indecisive and letting people decide everything for me-- Hurts less than what I'm feeling now.

I've got nothing more to say. Just that they are people out there who want this more than I do and I think those who really want it should be given the chance. There's really nothing more to say...

I'd like to believe that I am okay. I'd like to believe that I can accept your flaws and mistakes. Inspite of who and what you are, I really do want to believe that I'm fine with everything that's happening.

...But I know I'm not...

I've tried for the millionth time to understand and just accept things as they are. Accept you as you are and just hope that one day, you'll realize what you've done wrong. I've tried to shrug the pain that has been inflicted in me by you for so many times, thinking that, "Maybe this is the last time."
All the effort I've put in and the energy I've wasted on you didn't change anything one bit. You're still you. The same old you. Ignorent, proud and selfish...

These three words would taste foul and bitter in my mouth if I actually said it outloud. If I said it to your face, I know it would burn a whole right in your heart. I'm not that kind of person to do that. I'm not the kind to want to hurt another intentionally even if it means trying to bring a little self realisation into the person's stubborn head. No. I'd rather silence myself and hope that things would turn out better.

Truth be told, even if I were that kind of person-- Even if I managed to confront you, I'm sure you would hear me out but not actually listen to me. Painting a picture for you won't change anything at all. I know if I told you how everyone else and I are feeling, you'd just get very upset, depressed and angry. See? You're the kind o person who wouldn't want to admit defeat. You're the kind who wouldn't want to see your own flaws. With that, you'd hold a grudge againts all who have hurt you-- Including me. Instead of blaming yourself for all the wrong that you've commited, you would become so bitter and hateful but you would still refuse to change.

I've tried to understand you again and again. I've tried to make a conclusion that you are who you are because of others. Still, I can't fully convince myself that others are to blame because of 'you'. Why? Because I believe you are how you are because of yourself. You've made yourself that way. You've made your own weaknesses apart of you entirely. Nothing I can do would help change the fact that you are who you are today--Well, maybe except for prayer.

I sat down in the chapel and prayed for you. Just praying that things will be better. Praying that you'd change for the better.

I might be able to forgive you for all that you've done but I doubt I would ever forget the pain you put me and others through...

I still love you no matter what though... At the end of the day, the same blood still flows through our veins and that's what keeping me from grudge and hate. We're family and family should stick together through good and bad times no matter what...

It was just a crush. Simple as that. We didn't know each other, we've never spoken or even made the slightest eye contact but that didn't matter to me. Sometimes having to admire a beautiful being from a far is better than looking at it up close and being able to touch it. That's what I believe, especially if I'm the kind of person who is so numb and closed to almost everyone.

It didn't bother me that he would just walk pass me everytime he comes around. It was still a lovely thing to just see him now and then. I didn't really care that he never took a second to say 'hi' or to even look my way. I was having fun by myself just loving him secretly. I'd play and listen to the song, 'Stay Beautiful' over and over again because it was funny how it suited my situation.

One day, it slipped from the tip of my tongue and people began to interfere. The next thing I know, we were dating...

You wouldn't believe how many mornings I've woken up thinking, 'I don't love this guy' the first thing everyday! Then right after that I'll tell myself, 'Another day has come, what's the harm in trying again Maybe today the feeling will come back. Maybe today's the day I would know I love him'. Then, there would be a voice in the back of my head saying, 'How can you be so sure of this relationship when you're not even sure of yourself? How long will you keep trying? Just stop trying to convince yourself already!' That's the every morning conflict I have to go through with myself.

Even if I do like this guy, I can't love him completely like how he loves me completely. I know it's not fair but what am I suppose to do when my heart is already as numb, stubborn and closed as it is? Maybe it's my fear of letting the fear of being commited go. Maybe it's because I've seen what others have gone through with love that I'm the way I am. Or maybe it's the fact that he's 27 and I'm just turning 18 that makes this whole thing complicated. I know this whole thing is a problem because of only one reason though. Which is of course, yours truly. There's only two words to describe me and these two words to me are the most dispicable words in the dictionary: INDECISIVE & UNCERTAIN.

So now you know that the problem in truth is not the guy but me. He's just lovely in so many ways. He's very considerate, kind and humble. I love it when he laughs because it's just so adorable. He looks tough on the outside because of his tattoos and piercing but on the inside, he's a sensitive soul. He's the bad boy but the good kind of bad boy. He told me it's okay if I want to take it slow with him because he doesn't mind it. He olso told me he won't ever make me do things that I don't want to because he respects me and the choices I would make. As long as I'm happy, he said he's happy too. You see? A guy like him doesn't come around everyday so why am I making it hard for myself? 

I realise that love is a risk and a chance that everyone has to take. It's also a mistake that everyone should make at least once in their lifetime. No doubt, I'm taking a big risk here because my parents are againts the relationship I have with him and I'm with him behind their backs. It's a chance I'm taking with him because it's better to love than to have never loved a all. It's a mistake I'm willing to make because if it is a mistake, than at least I know that love really isn't a fairytale.

Nothing about love doesn't equal to hurt. Everything about it equals to hurt! Getting hurt is a way of life especially in a relationship so nothing I can do would help me avoid it. I may have broken some hearts before but it was all because I was being honest and true to myself and because I didn't want to take chances. However, I'd rather have my heart broken than having to break another. It's too hard for me to do all over again. I'm this person who cares too much about others. For me, breaking a heart inflicts 10 times the pain than being the one to receive it. I didn't only have to worry about my own feelings, I had to worry and feel bad about what others are feeling and how they are effected. This is how I am. There's nothing I can change about this trait of mine.

Well, I'm going ahead with this dysfuntional relationship of mine and seeing where it will lead to. I just hope when it ends it will be him doing all the breaking up but it seems impossible. I'm going to try sort out my feelings too. I think I need theraphy. I just hope I'll live to see the day I turn 21...

I still have a long way to go and I still want to go on with life not believing in so called fairytales. What I mean is, I want to kiss as many frogs to find my prince. I don't want to kiss just one because reality isn't like that. It's a world full of more discovery than any fairytale romance. I believe that reality is much more of an adventure than fantasy. Once in a fairytale world, you're just going to end up with a so called 'Happily ever after' and 'THE END'  kind of life. That's it, and no more. Reality on the other hand is a never ending story. There isn't 'THE ENDS' in reality. So imagine if Cinderella didn't have the chance to marry the prince because someone else got to try on the glass slipper before her and it fit her just right! What's going to happen to her then? Well, I for one would like to imagine her finally escaping from the evil grasps of her step-family! How? I'd like to imagine her finally not being such a goody-2-shoes and just giving her step sisters and mum one in the face. Then, she'd find the fortune which her father actually left for her and running away with it. Where would she go? She'd go everywhere! Doing things she hasn't done before and being a independant hot chick who doesn't need a prince to make her feel whole!

You see? Cinderella would actually have a life if she did just that! I mean, come one! You can't expect to be swept away by a prince, marry him, become queen, and then live happily ever after! Where's the fun in that?

The men who I fell in love with--Past and Present Story. (Fact-Fiction?)
Author:Riverrogue

CHAPTER ONE

He and I were but young and naive teenagers just years ago. He was 15 and I was just 12 when I first saw him. It was the first time I felt it too--A force of attraction so strong, tugging on my heart day in and day out ever since the day I caught a glimpse of him.

    You can call it a mere teenage crush but to me, it was still something strong that became more of a twisted fate than destiny. Why? Because he happens to be my sister's long time boyfriend's younger brother. It also seems very twisted now because my sister married her long time boyfriend and I already knew they would a long time ago. Somehow, I also knew deep down in my heart's core that even if he didn't feel what I was feeling before, there was soon to be a day when he would wake up and realize it.

    I don't know why but somehow those predictions I made years ago really did come alive... Only it was already too late when he finally knew in his heart that he loved me. On the day my sister got engaged, I made a promise to never think about anymore possibilities between the two of us because there was none. It was no use anymore. Fate has done a good job in making it clear that we're not meant to be. From that day on, I never even stop to think about 'What could have been?', 'What might have been?' and 'What should have been?'.
    Funny thing was, one person never knew how the other person felt and that was him. He knew he liked me a lot but never imagined that I felt the same. So, both our feelings went on like an untold story until it finally ceased for just one person--Me. To me, it became but a distant memory-- Just a fairytale.
    What hurt me the most in this experience? He asked one of my close cousins to be his girlfriend. They were together for awhile but he broke up with her because he knew in his heart that he still loved me... The thought of it is unbearable because now my cousin really hates my guts! For all the damn reasons!

CHAPTER 2

Once I loved him but loving him just hurt too much--Especially when he's a good friend who already has another so I let him go.
    Just like what I've been through with the person in the first chapter, our feelings were oblivious to the other. His love was only revealed to me when I was finally free of the feelings I had for him. You see? Another occurance of twisted fate and just like the other, he was too late too.
    Well, there's not much to say about what the two of us have been through except that I broke his heart without really wanting to because he was my friend. Now, how I wish I would still have his friendship and the two of us are still able to go on as if nothing had happened. How I wish...
    How I wish I could tell you more about this chapter in my life but somehow, it seems to be a little harder for me to put down in words. I guess this experience is far the most painful one I had gone through. I lost a friend right?
   

LAST CHAPTER (for now)

Presently, I'm dating a guy who I know in truth loves me in everyway. Despite all our differences and all the complicatedness, he still loves me. I also know in truth that I don't love him as much as he loves me. I'm only on the point of 'like'. In this chapter, don't question how 'we' happened...
    If you really do love someone, you don't tend to question yourself every now and then whether you really do love him or not. Of course not! You forget about everything else and just know it. You just know that you love the person--End of story. For me, it's a different story. I sometimes 'think' I love him but yet, I wake up in the morning and I know that I don't love him. What is the matter with me? I really don't know...
    The funny bit is, he's my first love and first love has to always be the lovey dovey kind. Mine just isn't because how can you be lovey dovey with someone when you're not even really in love with the person? When you love someone and they love you back, even holding hands trigger the butterflies. He held my hand for the first time last night when we were out for a movie and I felt--Nothing! Nada--Zero...
    It's really sad because I keep trying everyday and sometimes I succeed in actually making myself believe that I love him but hardly... I keep trying to love this guy but when the feeling isn't there, it just isn't and at first, I really thought it was. There's really no harm in trying again right? So I guess I will keep trying-- But how long will this go on?
    I find it a curse to be me. I don't want to break anymore hearts and truth be told--I'd rather have my heart broken. I'm not kidding. This guy-- There's nothing wrong with him... It's just me!! ME! ME! ME!! What's the matter with me?? Still, I can't go on lying to myself and most importantly, I can't go on lying to him...

-END-

EXTRAS

I've learned that I was created as a being/creature wih a heart that is wild. It really takes someone that 's actually really 'for me', someone GODSEND to tame my heart. I just know it. Am I playing hard to get?-- No, I'm most certainly not. It's just that my heart only accepts what is true. You can't force love and all the while I have been forcing love upon myself. It proves that my heart is mighty stubborn. 18 years--No one has won my heart over and well, I'm okay with it. If it means I won't break anymore hearts, Id wait until I'm 30 to find the right person. All the while, my life has just been a damned soap opera... And still, I haven't really had a love story...

-Additional DRAMA-

Guy from chapter one told my cousin that he might still have feelings for me but broke up with her for another reason. Now, my cousin must really hate my guts and we used to be like two peas in a pod. All pictures with the two of us in her facebook have been terminated and she is no longer talking to me. Oh yea, and there's this application on facebook called the family tree  which my cousin has. All my relatives and my family members are included in there except for me.

Guy in chapter two finally tried to make amends with me. Now, we are talking to each other but it's not like how it was before. He actually confessed to me right after he broke up with his girlfriend but was soon back with her after I rejected him. I asked him how long has he liked me and he said since I was still in high school.

Guy in chapter three happens to be working in the same company with my dad and he works under my dad. He's turning 27 this year so that means it's 9 years age difference between us. His last girlfriend was four years ago... (the world is truly mad)

    Hmm... Okay... My Friday The 13th went okay. To come and think of it, it was a really good day for me. Nothing tragic happened. I own a black cat and no misfortune had happened so I guess we can put the superstition aside for now. The only thing I got disappointed at that day was the fact that my brother and his girlfriend who happens to be a really close friend of mine were officially broken up. Oh yea, and besides that, I blew my chance again that day... My chance to say a simple, "HI". Sucks, really. It's silly because it's like the hundredth time that I miss the chance to talk to him... The 'him' who keeps finding a way to be the highlight of my day-- Without trying. How? I don't know... When you like someone, as in really like them, everything they do from talking, walking and even breathing seems to be what makes your heart sigh... It's hard to make a conversation-- When he's taking my breath away... XD That's from a song by the way... I can't help but smile when I see him. Funny...
    Anyway, let's put that aside. My Friday night was great! Went out to get groceries with my sister, Amy and then met up with our friend Sai in Rumba. It was just the 3 of us girls. We were counting down to SAD. Was really fun... We had 3 glasses of margarita each and then an editional jug of beer before the end of the night. We got a complimentary jug of beer that night for some reason I don't know. Most probably because my sister and her friends are the usual people hanging out there. I made friends with the band members in Rumba-- 17 Crush. Very, very nice people and funny too! Plus, they are awesomely talented. The female vocalist Jona can really sing! The male vocalists for the group, Dennis and Angel are great too. One of my faves from them are Hot N Cold! So yea, we counted down to SAD/V day for most. Even though it was just the 3 of us, I had a great time. Amy, Sai and I behaved as if we were at a concert. XD

    We went to Rumba again on SAD night. This time, Gracy was with us. Sai and Gracy wore white while Amy and I wore Blue. We were each others dates that night. So many couples were out hanging in Rumba. It didn't really matter to us though. Amy might be married but she doesn't celebrate V day with her husband-- At all. So, her husband Donny went out fishing with our dad and so she celebrates SAD with her single friends and sister. XD All I can say is, SAD night beat the night before. Had a more awesome time on SAD night and I can tell you-- I have never laughed as hard as I did last night. Everything ended up being funny and entertaining in my sight. I amuse myself and others amuse me in return... I can't list down all that had happened except that at the end of the night, we had a little bit of chocolate with the band members, we each recieved a flower from Angel and were the last ones to leave the place-- and I was laughing histerically...

    Oh boy... Hope to do that again soon!!!

-drank a lil bit too much-hangover the next day-

When I saw it coming, I got myself prepared for it-- Mentally and emotionally. Who knows? Either one of them or both of them are going to come out and pour out their hearts and I had to be prepared to face it as maturely as possible. Though my heart was so fragile and it couldn't handle all that was happening, I had to be strong for myself. However, as time went by, I saw that it will never happen and I won't have to go through that kind of situation at all. So I saw that everything was fine and I could go on without the heavy feeling in my gut. Unfortunately, the world became a more complicated place for me when those break-ups happened. And now I'm still wondering, 'were hearts broken because of me?'.

I let my guard down just for a moment, thinking that I won't have to have that conversation with him, the more persistent one ever. I thought time would erase the feelings he had for me but it didn't. It only let the feelings grow so much until it was hard to cut down. My feelings for him however, was gone a long time ago.

A call at 11.30 at night woke me up from the early sleep I took. I veil of fatigue was upon me at that time but then it was pulled away instantly. "Meet me outside. I need to talk to you. It's important." That was it. Cold blood began running through my veins. What was I to do? I didn't know. Should I or should I not? Why now? What a nightmare.

The time came and my guard was down then, I was a mess in the moment. I had a choice to delay it and avoid it or to solve it right away. But I wasn't prepared both mentally and emotionally. I didn't know how I can handle it. In the end I chose to solve it and make it clear to him. So I went outside to see him. It was exactly how I imagined it would be. The two of us staring at each other face to face. One with the look of nervousness, unconditinal longing and love all in one-- Another with the look of someone so unprepared, tired, sorrowful and disgusted. He started it off with his own words of love for me. My world came crashing down little by little as he spoke. When he was done, I couldn't even look at him. I was too afraid of eye contact. It made my heart uncomfortable. It made me think that looking him in the eyes will make the love spell on him unceasing. My voice trembled in contrast to the warm night time air as I tried to find the words to speak. The first thing that came out was, "I'm sorry." And so, from there, I told him I didn't feel the same way he did and I like the two of us just the way we are. I told him we should just stay as friends because I can't see the both of us as anything more than that. He kept asking me if I was sure, if I could give him a chance at least to try make things work with the two of us. I didn't give him any chances. I couldn't. It wasn't just my heart speaking but my mind too and I was confident with the answer. He wanted time to resurrect the feelings I used to have for him and he said he won't give up that easily but I fell silent. I was too tired to speak to his unconvinced heart. He still didn't understand me no matter how many times I denied him. I have made it clear with my words and I know though I wasn't prepared, I said all the right things that were simple to understand.

It is only right for us to stay how we are because my heart isn't singing the same song his heart is singing. There is no hormony between their beats. I don't regret what I've done and the decision I made was exactly what I wanted. If it were the wrong one then what can I do? It's already too late. I know in my heart that I did the right thing because it was my heart that was on the line. My heart  knew how it felt which isn't love at all and to have made the other choice would have broken it. It doesn't need anymore deceit of the mind to build up cracks in it. I know in order to save my heart from the pain I had to break another. Yet, I can't say everything is fine now and my heart is at ease because he's being persistent and stubborn and I really don't understand why he has to trouble himself that way. Such high hopes could cause so much damage to a person and I don't want to have to pay for it. My heart, though not broken, cracks have formed around it. What has happened between him and I has disturbed and spoiled the friendship we had. No I don't know how things will ever be the same with us again.

I'm very upset because I know I have hurt him. I gave him the answer he wasn't expecting-- The one he didn't want to hear. If it was the wrong answer then it is my great loss. I might regret it maybe in the future but if it were a big mistake to have not said, "Yes", then that was a mistake I was willing to make all along...

I just wished he would understand that... As a good friend, he should.